In this talk and community discussion we will continue our exploration of how to skillfully use the beauty and challenges of polyamory as a means to grow spiritually, and we’ll seek to do so from both Buddhist and Daoist perspectives. This talk is the fourth of a seven-part discussion series in which we’ll be exploring polyamory as a vehicle for inner personal development and cultivation. This fourth session will build on the first, second, and third sessions’ explorations of mindfulness, precepts, cultivation, essential nature, basic goodness, possibility, karma, multiplicity, and polyamory. That said, as with all other conversations in this series, this fourth session will also stand alone. In this fourth session we will focus on cultivating different emotional states towards wonder and devotion.

Daoists practice something called internal alchemy. This is an exceptionally deep and rich topic. And yet some core components of it are simple - though not to say easy - to discuss. Internal alchemy means, at its most basic, taking what is learned on the meditation cushion and applying it in the world and then taking what is learned in the world and applying it to what we do on the meditation cushion. It looks, through cultivation of the core virtues and precepts, to make being a good person as second nature as possible. That’s it.

One key component is the modulation and mediation of emotions through the equilibrium achieved on the cushion. As noted in the Confucian classic, the Zhongyong:

“Exemplary persons focus the familiar affairs of the day; petty persons distort them. Exemplary persons are able to focus the affairs of the day because, being exemplary, they themselves constantly abide in equilibrium. Petty persons are a source of distortion in the affairs of the day because, being petty persons, they lack the requisite caution and concern. . . . The moment at which joy and anger, grief and pleasure, have yet to arise is called a nascent equilibrium; once the emotions have arisen, that they are all brought into proper focus is called harmony. This notion of equilibrium and focus is the great root of the world; harmony then is the advancing of the proper way in the world.”

This quote says it all from the mental perspective: we must be ready for emotions and then, when they arise, balance and harmonize those emotions - especially common emotions such as joy, anger, grief, and those surrounding physical pleasure and pain (desire, lust, fear). Oren Jay Sofer has also written a beautiful book on cultivating emotional states.

Bodily, we must do what we can to be aware of our somatic states and to bring ourselves into greater and greater likelihoods of positive somatic states that facilitate both equilibrium and harmony.

Done properly, all of this work allows us to move ourselves into states of awe and wonder.

Emotion researcher Dacher Keltner has defined awe as:

“Awe is the feeling of something vast that transcends your current understanding of the world.”

For our purposes here, and loosely following Keltner’s approach, we will define wonder as the positive tinged version of awe that has an object. Keltner further shows that near to awe are adoration, admiration, aesthetic appreciation, and calmness. And he adds that one of the most common avenues to experience awe is moral beauty.

For Daoism, there are the five precepts and their corresponding virtues. Following these precepts and embodying these virtues can lead to morally beautiful acts. There are, also, the three treasures: compassion, frugality, and deference. It is through these latter treasures that one most directly cultivates wonder. These treasures are technologies. Practices. And mindsets for achieving states of wonder. When we approach the world with these mindsets, wonder is everywhere.

In polyamory (and elsewhere), we can think of the three treasures as aligning with and serving the following mindsets:

Compassion —> Tragic Mindset

Frugality —> Abundance Mindset

Deference —> Service Mindset

When we adopt “a tragic sense of life [-- a sense that] life is at bottom sad [, we then have a]ll the more reason . . . to give and take what joy we can from each other.” Put another way, when we see life and relationships as impermanent, challenging, and ultimately sources of grief for everyone, we become attuned to the other. This, in turn, allows us to apply putting others first to build a service mindset ~ one where we recognize that we are all suffering and, accordingly, ask ourselves: “how can I reduce the suffering in the world to make more space for joy?” Lastly, and mediating both of these is frugality. It is through frugality - wherein we recognize the limits of our own attention - that we truly engage in each moment with abundance.

When we already have all the time, attention, and desire in the world, we do not need to lose presence in our one inhale and one exhale. Reciprocally, by applying discernment, boundaries, and consensual limitations to be frugal with our engagements, we can focus our caring and attunement. This, in turn, returns us to deference which goes so much deeper than mere service. At its deepest level, deference is about not imposing one’s will on the world and - in relationship - it is seeing people as they are, not as we believe them to be, and meeting them there.

The tragic sense of impermanence leads to vast compassion. Frugality of experience leads to feeling the vast abundance of each possible moment. And, with a service mindset, truly based on deference and the platinum rule, we can move towards devotion.

Daoism spends significant amounts of time dedicated to cultivating and offering devotion. Devotion builds upon reverence and awe with the qualities embodied by different prior disciples, deities, and cosmic forces. It applies abundance and service to the devotional object because we, individually, are tragically limited.

Attuned, discerning, boundaried, consensual and caring devotion, within a tragic, abundant, and service mindset, when filled with wonder, is at the heart of what many in the West call “tantra.”

***Actual tantra is “the way of spells” and it refers to esoteric practices dedicated to seeking enlightenment through carefully-guided, esoteric devotional practices -- usually practiced by celibate monks. And yet.***

This same devotion should be cultivated both on the meditation cushion and off the meditation cushion. Ultimately, many meditative experiences can lead to different awe-inspiring wonders.

By coming together as a curious, open, trusting, and vulnerable community, we can each benefit from the wisdom, perspectives, and practices others have considered or employed in navigating the many ways we can show up for ourselves and others with attuned presence, continually deepening care, and an increased sense of relational ease and freedom.

TOPICS FOR EXPLORATION

1.What are awe and wonder?

2.How can one cultivate emotions?

3.What are equilibrium and harmony? How do they relate to stillness and clarity?

4.Introducing the poly mindsets

a.A compassionate, tragic mindset

b.A frugal, abundant mindset

c.A deferential, service mindset

5.How do these mindsets allow for awe and wonder?

6.How do awe and wonder relate to devotion?

7.How do precepts fit into devotion?

a.Boundaries

b.Consent

c.Attunement

d.Caring

e.Discernment

8.How can devotion play out in partnership?

9.How does devotion fit into polyamory?

DISCUSSION CO-HOSTS:

Jonathan and Rafael Langer-Osuna, a Daoist priest with the lineage name 宗妙. Their profile can be found here: https://plra.io/m/rafaellangerosuna28

Join us for this exciting community exploration!

ONLINE EVENT: Cost $20

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MINDFUL ENM

A space for ENM and sex-positive folks interested in mindful approaches to connect with each other.

Join MINDFUL ENM, a worldwide community of people practicing mindful ethical non-monogamy:

https://mindful-enm.mn.co