ENM Study Club: Initiating Connections

What are all these acronyms? Are agreements really any different from boundaries? What's a check-in?

Let’s learn together via a monthly, community-driven discussion. Each month we’ll pick a reading, podcast, or topic and unpack what we’ve found. At the end we will take suggestions for next month's material. Think of a cross between a book club and a support group; we’ll seek out new tools and techniques relevant to the attendees’ challenges.

We are moving from Zoom to in-person meetings. Suggestions are welcome for venues near Oakland! If you can’t make the time given, drop a note in the event chat and I’ll consider rescheduling. Everyone is welcome, regardless of familiarity with non-monogamy. The event is free to attend.

Topic (July 2025)

Let's discuss the early stages of a new connection. More specifically, what's important information to exchange to determine compatibility? What are some blind spots you are grappling with in terms of choosing people to approach, e.g. fatphobia or transphobia? How do you keep all the alignment checks from turning flirting into a boring checklist?

Please suggest relevant resources in the event chat!

Rene is interpreting this prompt as focusing on early discussions of objectives, compatibility, and agreements. Perhaps unsurprisingly, a lot has been asked on Reddit, and there are all sorts of thought-provoking questions - although maybe not the most elucidating answers.

Random grab bag Q&A

https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/skm3pp/calling_all_experienced_enms_what_tips_can_you/

Grumpy cishet men thread (cw normie vibes)

https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/11f308f/hetero_men_who_have_had_a_lot_of_success_with_enm/

Cishet woman thread (also normie vibes)

https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/zeemny/what_are_your_tips_for_a_woman_new_to_dating_in/

How to find compatible overlaps in this space? The non-monogamy chart

https://imgur.com/a/types-of-non-monogamy-H7iL7Kg

From section 18 of More Than Two, “Finding Partners”

Put yourself in a potential partner’s shoes:

1. What would it be like for them to get involved with you?
2. What kind of partner are you? What values do you bring to your relationships?
3. What are you offering in terms of time, relationship skills and enrichment of their life?
4. How much space do you have in your life? Are you asking them to be squeezed into time slots between a dozen other commitments, or do you have availability to give them?
5. Are you inviting them into a messy, difficult situation, or a relatively stable and secure one?

Feedback

Send feedback either in event chat, or privately via enmstudyclub@gmail.com