Weekly Seeds | October 20, 2024 | I Don't Know Her
Published by Noa Elan on
Exactly as I thought I figured it out
The bots and scammers are back! We just rolled out a bunch of systems that help us catch the bad actors on Plura, and at exactly the same time, ta-da, the bad actors came up with new tactics. And the chase continues! Thank you for continuing to report suspicious profiles!
Exactly as I thought I figured it out #2
I started this month with a falling-on-my-poly-face meltdown. One moment I’m walking into the kitchen grounded, boundaried, logical, an adult, and somehow, 4 sentences with my partner later, I find myself in the hands of a anxious-11-year-old orange muppet.
About those FEELINGS
Didn't see this coming, but so happy my past self did! Today (Tuesday) we're hosting a free online Spooky Feelings Symposium today (Tuesday) featuring some of the most renowned thought leaders in the world of relationships, sexuality and non-monogamy: Jessica Fern, David Cooley, Misha Bonaventura, MarciaB, and Somatica's Celeste and Danielle. Register to join the Zoom workshop or get the recording.
Do you know your Feelings?
Seriously, up until about 4 year ago, whenever my therapist would ask me what I was feeling, I thought I could only choose between sad, angry, scared, and happy (and that's after I realized I was labeling my thoughts as feelings).
But then, thanks to NVC, Pixar, and Chip Conley I discovered that there are at least 12 feelings! Speaking of Chip Conley’s framework of "emotional equations", I really like it! Even if I don’t agree that jealousy is related to self-esteem, I like the idea of looking at parts of feelings, and including the shadow-y sides of them.
This is feeling painful, should I be concerned?
As I reviewed the list of emotional equations above, I noticed Calling = (Pleasure / Pain) and immediately thought to myself "hmmm.. this is how Desire feels to me"- a mix of pleasure and pain (where, hopefully, the pleasure level is higher than the pain level). I then remembered this equation, from one of my favorite books "The Erotic Mind" by psychologist Jack Morin, who defines "Excitement = Obstacles + Attraction" and it made me reflect on the delicate dance between pleasure and pain.
About pain that is pleasurable
This season, I think a lot about how NRE (New Relationship Energy) feels is both sweet and painful. I think that NRE is sweet exactly because it includes pleasure and pain simultaneously- because we allow ourselves to desire something that we might not succeed at getting. In perfect timing, Tommy Dixon just publish a blog “in praise of desire” where he makes the pitch for embracing desires: “Life is singular and brief and its beauty is partly dictated by your willingness to go on adventures to attain the things you want. What we need is not absolute safety.. what we need, really, is to create lives that threaten us with their terrifying potential of screwing them up. Because that's living. That's being alive.”
To be extra clear- some negative feelings are a helpful signal that something isn’t right and you should get the f*ck away. But how do you decipher if this is personal-growth-ing pain of core paradigms shifts or signs that you’re way passed your limits? To quote Rachel Lark’s Polyamory Blues:
Feelings Community Spotlight- THE FEELS
The Feels is a 3-hour experience of Feelings, where Allie Hoffman guides people through a bunch of sweeeet exercises that spark deep reflection, self discovery, and connections. Check out Allie writing on everything that's not working with dating on SubStack, and join one of The Feels events in NYC or DC.
See you next week.
Noa Elan
Community Builder | Plura
Note: This newsletter represents my personal opinions and thoughts. I understand I may have unexamined views and I appreciate when people point them out so that I am made aware and can start thinking about them. When I make mistakes I am committed to learning about my impact on others and repairing.
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