Weekly Seeds | September 22, 2024 | Outsource Your Social Validation To Bots

Anyone else feeling constantly unsettled?

This week, I learned that what I've been intensely feeling in the past couple of years is called Ambiguous Loss. Ambiguous Loss occurs when grief is present without the likelihood of reaching emotional and cognitive closure. Without the ability to get to closure, this type of loss leaves people in constant search for answers and in a deeply unresolved state. Examples include someone disappearing, a partner breaking up without explanation, or a loved one becoming an entirely different human due to an illness, like Alzheimer's. 

On a national or global level, ambiguous loss occurs when we feel that the world is no longer safe. I think the shifts in the past couple of years, COVID, the overturning of Roe vs. Wade, unraveling climate catastrophe, the terrible wars in Israel/Gaza and Ukraine/Russia have shaken the global sense of safety.

I appreciated this perspective, from the researcher who coined the term, on how to navigate global ambiguous loss. I am also disappointed to recognize that this is not how I see myself, my family, and my communities operate. 

“How can we respond to a world that is no longer safe and predictable? With a more flexible and inclusive way of thinking about our losses, we will have the resilience and strength to avoid sliding further toward the rigidity of absolute and authoritarian thinking — either win or lose; right or wrong; real or hoax. If we think more relationally and systemically and consider questions about ambiguous losses that may never have answers, we will be able to manage the stresses of this time.” 

Burn it down!

I randomly discovered the Burned Haystack Dating Method this week, and I have opinions. In a nutshell, the method (and 100k facebook community designed for women and non-binary folks looking for monogamous relationships) follows that the best dating-app strategy is to focus on weeding out the wrong people (i.e. burn the haystack to uncover the surviving needle). The method maps out ten rules to help singles quickly pass/swipe left/move-on from the wrong profiles. 

I appreciated some of the rules, including disabling app notifications and using the block function to ensure profiles you pass on don’t resurface and hijack your attention again. 

And I didn't like other rules, which I feel feed into existing (gendered) narratives and power dynamics in the dating app ecosystem. Take, for example, the “opener pyramid” frameworks (image below), which ranks the quality of the opening message and outlines recommended responses.

Generic opener? → block.

Specific comment on your profile's text and thoughtful follow-up question? → respond naturally and continue the conversation.

This problem with this recommendation is that it links the quality of the opener and the depth of intent and the quality of the person, as if to say “if the message is personalized, the person sending it must be serious and high quality”). In reality, great people sometimes have great openers (I can confirm my best dating app match had a personalized opener), but it’s not always true (just think about pickup artists). 

This framework also doesn't acknowledge the challenges associated with this person on the other side of this equation. For a method that is all about applying heuristics brutally, this is quite an intense demand for engagement from the other side. If we take a system-level view, is this a zero-sum game of attention and investment? Geek further and check out my newslettter from three weeks ago on the topic: “Acts of Suffering”.

More "opener" opportunities on Plura

And while these gender dynamics are problematic, the truth is that personalized “opening messages” work significantly better on Plura. Sending a bud invite with a note leads to 5x more matches than sending a bud without a note. 

Therefore, we decided you should all enjoy giving and receiving  more opening messages. Starting tomorrow, every free Plura member will get 1 bud note a week (up from 0), and every Plura+ member will get 4 bud notes a week (up from 3). To send a bud note click on the paper-airplance icon under the member's profiles. 

When you burn the whole haystack and only you are the robots are left

I shared my skeptic views about the value of AI boyfriends in past newsletters. This week, the conversation has expanded from AI for friendship to AI for social validation. A new app, SocialAI, lets you manage a social network feed populated exclusively by chatbots that are at service to you. If social media 1.0 created a fake perception of connection with real humans, then social media 2.0 will create a fake perception of connection with no humans. Hide Your Kids!

Speaking of hiding you kids, Ezra Klein perfectly captured the issues that might arise when AI relationships become the majority source of connections for the younger generations. “If you're younger and your social dynamics are way less formed, and your discernment of social dynamics is much less mature, and your choices are more limited because of who you know and how you can see them and how you can be in touch with them, maybe (chatting with robots) actually doesn't feel (fake), or maybe you get trained out of it feeling that way.“ 

Until we forgot what human connection feels like, I want to invite you to enjoy this vulnerable conversation series from The Skin Deep with stories related to HIV.

And finally, don't say I didn't tell you: Plura is offering 2 epic workshops this week. At least one is free, if you're a Plura+ Member, both are free. 

Note: This newsletter represents my personal opinions and thoughts. I understand I may have unexamined views and I appreciate when people point them out so that I am made aware and can start thinking about them. When I make mistakes I am committed to learning about my impact on others and repairing. 

Contact me anytime: noa@heyplura.com